FML

Last night, 9 months of my life went to shit.

I've never felt so hurt, empty, and insulted.

If you wanted me to hate you, you did a good job. I tip my hat to you, sir.


That's all for now.

Hai Guiz :3

I haven't written in a while, and a lot of people ask me why? Well, nothing significantly important has been going on in my life at the moment, and I rather not bore you with repetitive details.

If you're wondering about my state, well, I could be better. I'm still confused about the same person. Everyone's telling me to give up. I really don't want to without really trying. And I don't think I've truly tried my best.

I'm well aware of the consequences.

On a different note, school is taking over me.

I'm being put down for my idea for my Video 1 project, and it's really discouraging =/....

I'm still going to try.


It's funny how i have such a quitting attitude for some things and such a clingy attitude for others. I'm so weird.



Current Mood: Streeeeesssed.

Feelin' Dumb

I feel like this is all I write about nowadays. It feels like I don't have any real problems. I'm not necessarily struggling in school, I may be having some financial issues, but the only thing that really seems to bother me is my emotions.

Why can't I just fucking let it go? Why must I depend on other people to be truly happy. People think I'm doing this to myself, but it's not like I'm enjoying it. Do you think I enjoy only being able to talk about one thing with my friends? Do you think that right beside getting an education, my only other motivation to come to school, is seeing that one person? Does anyone honestly think I'd be doing this to myself.

No one really seems to understand what's really going on in my mind. It's quite unfortunate. I know a lot of people that would help, they just don't know how. And to be quite honest, I don't know how they can help either.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I can actually remember a time in my life, a long period of time, where I was happy, with no worries, no doubts.

I feel like the person I am is just dying a way. Not in the immature emotional type of way, but in a sense that I really think that as a person, I'm dull. I'm not interesting and vibrant like I used to be. What happened?

Seriously, what happened? Did college happen? Did stress happen? Did laziness happen?

The worst part is, I can't even answer these questions, despite them all being about me...



Mood: Not-wanting-to-be-in-school-rather-be-home-sleeping. (Then again, the water tank broke down this morning and I don't think I'd be quite comfortable in a household with no water. I guess I'm sticking around here 'til 6pm...Yay.)

Friends

What if you ruined the trust of one friend, in order to aid the trust of another?


What if people think what you do is terrible, but you are completely oblivious to this? You don't don't realize you're doing anything wrong? You're completely neutral about it because no one tells you what you do is either bad, annoying or mean. What happens then? Does it become your fault even though you were unaware? Do people have the right to blame you after this?




Mood: I-feel-like-crawling-into-a-hole-and-dying-a-slow-death kind of feeling.....

Update, or something like it.

Yeah, It's been a while since I've written on here. I actually haven't found the time or the feeling to do so.

Conveniently enough, I was eager to get out of my morning class today to come to the computer lab and spill my guts. So basically, I'm writing from school.

I'm starting to come to a realisation of how sad my blogs really are. Is there really no excitement going on in my life that I can be somewhat happy to write about. 90% of my posts are depressing as shit. I can't believe anyone would read this shit on their free time. But I guess since you're here, might as well right?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 weeks almost. Here's your recap:

Thursday, February 27th was a pretty cool day. I had my first non-small talk conversation with him :/. I had a stupid smile on my face for the rest of the day. Nonetheless, I was happy.

Monday, March 2nd was when I came to the realisation that there's no way I have a chance at this. Thanks to a friend who tends to say whatever is on his mind despite the offense. I was ready to give up. I told myself that if nothing exciting happens in the next week, I'm surely going to give up. Because for the second time in a row, I'm going for a guy that's completely out of my reach, a guy that I can't seem to get through to, a guy that cannot be helped (as my best friend would put it). Surprisingly enough, I was spoken to that night by him, and the butterflies in my stomach came back.

Thursday March 5th, When my eyes met his figure in the crowd, the butterflies and jelly legs came back by the double. And on my way home, I had time to think, thinking about whether I should just tell him and see what the verdict is, you know? I hate knowing that I'm wasting my time and putting so much effort into something that will never be. It's not like I don't like him enough to not quit, it's just that I have to think for myself too. Ever day that goes by that I have no idea what's going through that boy's head, I'm hurting. It sucks.

I will not think of myself as selfish.

To continue Thursday, March 5th's day, I had a nice chit chat with a friend, and I truly have to give up. There's no point. There's no way he'll like me back. It's just pointless, and I'm fine with that. Except for the fact that I still double clicked his name on my contact list that night when I was supposed to be taking a shower, and started a conversation. Why did I do that? I knew that I had to give up, pretend he doesn't exist, and try to get over him like that. Yet, I still went on and talked to him last night in the same way I would have If I still had my hopeless little crush on him (which obviously enough now, I still do).

I don't know how to handle all this. I'm so overwhelmed. I know I have to get over him, but I don't know the first step. And if anyone tries to help, I dismiss any advice that I'm just not comfortable with. I hate this feeling.


Mood: Hopeless Hopeful :/

Dreams

I just finished watching the Academy Awards, and I could not feel more inspired than I do right now to one day end up there accepting an award for Best Director.

I believe it can happen :3.

Driven By Insanity

I feel really down today.

Last night's party was fun and all but I realized 2 negative things:

1- My friends are way more attractive than I'll ever be,

2- I'm lonely. Genuinely lonely.

I felt so unattractive last night, and though people might say otherwise, compared to my friends, I'm at the complete bottom. I mean, I'm not trying to be some depressed teenager with no self esteem, but I'm just stating the truth: My friends are more attractive than me. And, well, yeah, it kills my confidence. The confidence that I've been trying to build and still in the process of building for YEARS now.

I miss cuddling. I really do. Cuddling to me, is way more intimate than anything sexual. And I miss it. I haven't cuddled in so long. When I cuddle, I feel a sense of security, a sense of being wanted, and a sense of admiration.

I hate being lonely. I hate being surrounded by so many couples, that UNINTENTIONALLY rub it in my face of how in love they are. It's not their fault, it's just the way I take it.

I'm afraid of getting back into a relationship. I'm scared of commitment. I'd love to be able to commit, but it's just so hard. Then again, I'm getting older and I do believe I have experienced as much as I can (then again, I might never know) , so maybe it's time for Kat to settle down maybe? Just maybe...

>_<


What a depressing post. I apologize.



Mood: Lonely and Nostalgic

Haven't you noticed?

Haven't you noticed how easy it is to approach someone when you have no feelings for them, but as soon as they set in, just talking to them is the hardest thing you could possibly do.


I miss how easy it was to approach him...

There's always the 'but'...

Obviously, good news never lasts right?

Shit hit the fan due to my curiosity, now my mind is all over the place.

I wish I could say exactly what's on my mind, details included really, but I can't since I'm not ready to announce to the world how I feel. (Defeats the purpose of a blog, but anyways)

People say 'Just tell him.'
It's not that easy. No one really acknowledges the circumstances. They just say it. But you can't, it doesen't work that way. I wish it did, and that all would be good afterward.

I may be making a big deal out of a small thing, and all my friends are annoyed, but talking about this indirectly through here is not enough.
I need to talk to someone who will listen, understand and respond.

I know you don't want to see me hurt, bestfriend. I'm trying not to let all this get to me, but the more I wait it out, the more I feel for him.

People think I'm in love. I am not in love.
I've been in love once, and it was disgusting. Whoever thinks love is a beautiful thing, you've got it all wrong.

This is not necessarily disgusting, just uncomfortable. Basically a crush gone serious.
I need more than a little luck every so often to keep me happy. I thought this would last me a good two weeks, but the effects are already almost gone, and I'm back to the infamous zombie mode. Yay.


Mood: Uncomfortable and Uneasy.

:]

best and probably luckiest day of my life....so far.

<3



Mood : Fucking Happy.

Time

I wasted my time today. I waited 'til 5 PM for nothing. I wish it would have gone as expected :(. It would've made me really happy :(.

I really like him.
Not as much as the previous. But enough to care about him this much.

I'm not getting much support either. I know it's all about being independent and making my own decisions. But a little support wouldn't hurt either.

Is all this worth it? Will it even get me anywhere. I'm practically spending my days dragging my guts behind me because I can't keep myself together.

I can't make decisions for myself anymore. There's just too many possibilities and it seems like no one knows the right one.


Mood: Confused, Hopeless.

So much to say, so little time.

I swear I've been going through my highs and lows for the past week and half.
At the moment, I have no idea what level of emotion I've gotten to.

College is harder than I thought. I thought it would be easy considering i have at least 3-7 days to complete assignments, but time fucking flies. Kids, don't take college lightly, especially if you're dedicated to getting to the top. Seriously. I'm not sure whether to just stay at Vanier, or apply once again to Dawson. I really like being able to see my friends on a daily basis, despite college being about any of that at all. To be quite frank, I don't even know if I could afford going to Dawson. I'm in such a financial crisis, not knowing whether I'm fired from my job or not. Barely any money coming in and I have a shit load of things to pay for. This sucks.

As for my personal life. Well, like I've said countless times before, I'm wanted by all the wrong people. Right and left people are going gaga over me (for reasons unknown) but that one person that I truly like and admire, is barely aware of my existence. This feels like high school, I thought I was done with that, guess not.
The even shittier thing is that it feels like I have no one to talk to. I mean, yeah, sure, I can talk to anybody about this certain thing, but no one really has anything to say about it. I respect you listening and all, but some feedback would help. All i get is a bunch of nods and 'are you serious?'. It's not hard to give some feedback once and a while. I'm not asking for a therapy session, just some proof that I'm not talking to the walls. It just makes my problems feel so unimportant. But they are important to me, and for the mean time at least. It's just like, right now, I have a problem, and it will be a problem until I fix it , or get over it, until then, no matter how silly it is, it is most definitely a problem.

I'm also tired of being desired by so many guys thinking with their dicks. I know I'm nothing special, at all. I don't do anything to portray myself as this. I'm just open-minded and people mistake that with being outgoing. I am NOT outgoing. I'm just sick and tired of hearing guys telling me what they want to do to me. It's disgusting. If I mutually desired you, I would've had my way with you already -_-. I'm a person, with feelings and a personality. And though I might not get offended easily, it hurts to see guys react to me in this way. I have way more to offer than my body. I have a sense of humor, I have interesting views, I'm smart, I'm easy to talk to. Why don't people see this in me? Why can't they look past my outside. And the worst part is my inside is prettier than my outside.


Btw, shoutout to King Asshole, because apparently he knows who he is. Glad you noticed.


Mood: A whole bunch of stuff.

Question?

This Question seems to come up a lot in my thoughts.

'If only YOU were able to make one person happy beyond their imagination, would you fulfill their wish?'

There's so many little things people could do for me, that would make me happy. It's just a matter of them being willing enough to do it.

I mean, if you were to ask me the same question, I'd do anything in my power to fulfill someones wish, but there's limits to it, obviously.

I wish more people would think like me.

First day of college.

Today was my first day of college, and well it wasn't all that great. I mean, yeah, the whole idea of starting college is pretty cool, but I wasn't bouncing off the walls.

I'm afraid that the people in my Video 1 class will end up to be a bunch of douche bags with no real passion for the world of cinema and video.

***

News on the crush? None. Except for the fact that my best friend's telling me not to waste my time. But I just can't help it. I can't just pass something as good as this off so easily. I haven't felt this way since the last Asshole. I want to see him, see how it is between us. I've only just started this, I can't jump to conclusions and give up without testing the water, you know?

Ugh sorry best friend, this is the one time I can't take your word for it.
And if I get hurt, then I can blame myself.

Mood: Shitty.



PS: I hate how i keep checking if he's online, and even if he is, I don't have the guts to speak to him. -_-

Don't mind me, I'm just rambling.

So, alot of weird shit went down today.

One, my ex sent me a voice clip of him singing (OH, hai :3, if you see this) >_> Last time I checked, we were at each others throats.

Anyways, on a second note, I realized I just might have some competition going on.
Ah yes, I believe I'm starting to crush. I'm looking at it as a healthy choice. I can't go on being miserable about the last asshole :). It won't be easy, but at least I'm heading in the right direction, unfortunately I could still see King Asshole in the horizon.
Crushes are entertaining as they are childish. I'm 17 going on 18 in couple of months and I'm still looking for 7th grade crushes.
See, when you have no life like I, you try to find something to keep you busy with your days. I think crushes are perfect. You wake up motivated to be able to talk to them, keeps you at the edge of your seat during conversations, and the littlest things make you happy, putting me in an overall good mood.
I was not aware that I would have competition with this specific one though, but now that I realized I do, i gotta get my shit together and step up to the plate and give it my best shot. What do i got to lose?
Okay , well I've got lots to lose. But whatever.

Also, to be promiscuous or to not be promiscuous, that is the question. C'mon, as wrong as it may be , it is tempting to go off and do whatever the hell you want, with whoever the hell you want. No one could stop you, other than parents of course, but that issue has been long forgotten the day we entered the rebellious teenage hood. I mean, almost everyone knows me as someone with barely any regrets and an open mind. Everything is an experience, so why not experiment. For all we know, we could die tomorrow without experiencing the things we wanted to most in life. I mean, yeah, obviously some things are unattainable at 17, but, you get the point.

Golly, I've written alot. I don't know what struck me tonight, I guess I had to get some things off my chest.

So basically, Current Mood: Bewildered, Competitive & Undecided.

Cheers,


- Kat.