I feel really down today.
Last night's party was fun and all but I realized 2 negative things:
1- My friends are way more attractive than I'll ever be,
2- I'm lonely. Genuinely lonely.
I felt so unattractive last night, and though people might say otherwise, compared to my friends, I'm at the complete bottom. I mean, I'm not trying to be some depressed teenager with no self esteem, but I'm just stating the truth: My friends are more attractive than me. And, well, yeah, it kills my confidence. The confidence that I've been trying to build and still in the process of building for YEARS now.
I miss cuddling. I really do. Cuddling to me, is way more intimate than anything sexual. And I miss it. I haven't cuddled in so long. When I cuddle, I feel a sense of security, a sense of being wanted, and a sense of admiration.
I hate being lonely. I hate being surrounded by so many couples, that UNINTENTIONALLY rub it in my face of how in love they are. It's not their fault, it's just the way I take it.
I'm afraid of getting back into a relationship. I'm scared of commitment. I'd love to be able to commit, but it's just so hard. Then again, I'm getting older and I do believe I have experienced as much as I can (then again, I might never know) , so maybe it's time for Kat to settle down maybe? Just maybe...
>_<
What a depressing post. I apologize.
Mood: Lonely and Nostalgic
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21 comments:
It wasn't Depressing.
It was truth in what you feel :)
So what if you feel your friends are more attractive than you??
You have your own attractive style yourself ^^
Honestly I may be a guy, but I miss cuddling as well :( So so much...
So we are the same there.
Afraid of getting back into a relationship...Know that feeling as well... Just go for it =D
Whenever anyone goes to commit again and they are afraid it's just the challenge life throws at us. Just do your best and don't let it discourage you :)
Hope Something I have written helped :)
Katya rules <33
I will go out on a limb here, don't you think you may be pushing away guy's because, like you said, you are afraid of committing? Beside's you are talking like a 30 year old woman, desperately searching for romance, what are you 16-17? It may be cheesy, but good things happen to those who wait. Stop stressing yourself over this...
To Anonymous1 :
I'm speaking out of experience. To answer your question, I'm 17, almost 18. And I've lived a very eventful life. I write in terms of my own personal experiences. My age shouldn't have anything to do with how I feel and what I live through.
I don't push guys away at all. Since my last serious relationship (which was destroyed by the fear of commitment) , I've been welcoming guys with open arms into my life (at least, the one's I'm interested in) and If I were to get into a relationship, I just fear the commitment that comes after couple of months into the relationship. Also, I am not desperate. There is one person I have a certain interest in. It's not like I'm going out to bars, clubs and random house parties to meet new people. I have no interest in that at the moment.
'Good things happen to those who wait.' Yes it is cheesy, but I've repeated that statement to many friends who needed to hear it. And I do believe in it. Like I said before, I'm not waiting impatiently for anything. There's already one person I'm interested in and he's the one driving me insane with mixed emotions.
After I write all this , I wonder if the anonymous actually come back to check for replies. Hm....
Of course, I meant pushing guys away indirectly, unwillingly. If you "open your arms to them" too wide, too quickly, it might scare them away. You are not the only one afraid of committing, most guys are too.
You may think you are not desperate, but you are. It sounds like you're desperate with that one particular guy. You don't think he know or that he noticed? I'm sure he did.
What's so particular about him that drives you insane over other ones in the past?
To Anonymous1:
I see where you're getting at, and I think I understand. You can say that I'm pretty desperate with that one guy. I'd go through big measures just to be able to sit down with him in person and have a conversation (which hasn't happened yet, only small talk).
It's hard to point out exactly what it is that I like so much about him. It's just that connection I get with some people when I start talking to them. I don't get it with every guy, it's actually a pretty rare feeling. Out of the dozens of flings that I've had, I've only had this connection with two people. One being King Asshole (mentioned in the previous posts) and the other is the current guy. Him & I are just so much alike, I like his character, I like his taste, I love how he looks, I like his point of views, I enjoy every second of talking to him.
loool! I'm so sorry, I can't help but laugh at that "King Asshole" title (I'm picturing cartoonish images). I donno how bad things were with that particular person, but it must of been painful enough to come up with such a nickname.
But not to get out of line myself, isn't a connection "connected" by two points. So if you would feel connected with someone he would have to be himself connected to you. It doesn't seem like he's interested or anything. There would've been clear signs if he was (I think).
Do you like him for the same reasons as "The King" or is it a totally different type of attraction/connection? I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say.
It WAS very painful.
To be honest, I didn't think that far ahead when i mentioned 'connection' haha. To me it just means this certain feeling I get with someone. Yes it's one way, so maybe connection isn't the best term, but yeah.
That's a good question. The 'King' and this guy are alike, but things with the King were much more intimate and it was love that I felt for him. Genuine love. The love wasn't mutual, not even close, but I rather not getting into, flashbacks of those times disgust me. This new guy, I don't feel for him the same way I felt for the other one. These feelings are MUCH less. The attraction might be the same, except for maybe some certain aspects that are completely different , for example, their attitude towards me, how they talk to me, very different. But them , as themselves, are very much alike.
By any chance, are they aware of each other's existance? Because, that could play a role in that guys behavior. Mostly if he knows what happened between the two of you (King and you).
Could you define the "genuine love" you felt for him? How long you guys knew each other and how long you guys dated, before he turned into an asshole King.
Ps. Can we give the "new guy" a name. It's somewhat confusing... lol. How about Sean?
Indeed, let's call him Sean.
Yes they are aware of each others existence. They're very good friends >_<. He does know what happened between the two of us. I wish he didn't. I'm very worried about that. Because I'm the type that barely has any regrets because I consider everything an experience, but I regret every single moment with 'King' and I.
We never dated. I'd known him for 3 months. When I met him, I was still with my ex-boyfriend of a year and 2 months. We broke up shortly after I met King, and I started talking to him more. He was much older than I, but I was just so amazed at how mature and smart he was.I'd be able to listen to him talk about all these things and I'd be so fascinated. He was funny, slightly sarcastic, very good looking, he had this charm too him. It was perfect.
I rather not get into details but, the reason why I call him an asshole was because I was used. In the worst possible way too. And despite knowing that he used me I still find myself defending him, I still say good things about him, I still think about him as much as I did before. Yeah I guess it's unfortunate that he had to go do what he did to me, but I still think of him as the same sweet, charming, smart guy I met in the summer. Mind you , he stopped talking to me right off the bat when I spilled my guts to him, and my feelings for him still continue, a bit less now since 'Sean' is in the picture. I'm in that phase where there's 'more fish in the sea'.
Not to sound mean or anything, But from what I gathered from what you said. You had just met him, shortly after you broke up from a long-term relationship. Then you jumped on him (from what I can guess), got intimated with him (donno how far). Then you spilled your guts, telling him how much you liked (loved) him. Then he completely stopped talking to you.
Hmmmmm don't you think you moved on him a bit too quickly and scared him away. Specially right after a long-term commitement. It showed you as an unstable person, probably looking around for rebound. Since hes much older, as you put it, he probably has past experiences being a rebound or knowing the concept perhaps?
Although, I do not approve of the gesture of not talking to you right after "intimacy" and spilling your feelings, you have to admit you weren't fair to him either. Unless of course he explicitly told you he wanted to be in a relationship with you (which would be horrible way of using). If not, then, in a way, you both used each other in a "fair" equality. Not to defend him of course, but you have to understand you put alot of pressure on him right away. Like I said before, 'good things happen to those who wait'. You probably scared him shitless, lol.
+ Big LOL at them being very good friends, oh man, this is very bad for you...
He's not the type that would get scared from that. He's the type to be indifferent about it.
He did mention that I would've used him as rebound, but I told him I would never ever do that to him. Mind you, I was in a serious relationship with my ex-boyfriend before that, and what I felt for my ex-boyfriend was nothing compared to how I felt for 'King'.
Having gotten out of a relationship shortly before liking him is completely irrelevant. I felt nothing of the breakup, it's almost like that part of my life never happened (I was the one who ended it. I wanted out ASAP).
I was never the one who moved to quickly. I was dreaming in Lala Land about ever even being able to take up some time from his day. He's the one that came on to me when we hung out. I wasn't expecting it, I thought it would be something that was too good to be true, you know? So technically, I never moved on him too quickly.
And about them two knowing each other and being really good friends... Yeah... It fucking sucks, I don't want it to ruin anything. :(
I meant writing that letter was too quickly between meeting him and doing stuff. Like showing your emotions and your vulnerability too quickly. I don't think he's indifferent to all this.
You thinking getting out of a relationship where you "felt nothing" may seem "irrelevant" (like you put it so well) to you, but maybe not to him. Again, since there's a large age difference between the two, he probably assumes the exact opposite. It's always normal to assume and question the opposite's sense of judgement and their capability to remain stable and on course on things. If he judged that you were still fragile and unable to opperate in a relation. I would completely understand his actions (of being scared).
Do you know if he had gone through rough patches in the past? Long term/short-term relationships that went wrong, etc, etc? Did he talk to you about them?
Him being older, makes him more capable of making more sense of things, since he has a wider experience range from him and his entourage. He probably knew what was best for him and backed out. Sure, he didn't use the right method, but it is the best one if you want the other to completely forget about you. From my experience, keeping touch with an exs and even flings can get pretty painful, because you talk to them, but you are not with them and you get reminded of that every single day...
If he didn't care, he would've responded with "Let's keep screwing around and see what happens" or the dreadful "I rather be friends with you"... Ugh
You don't want to ruin anything between them two or you two?
I wrote the letter at the very end of our intimacy. Well, rather, the letter is what ended things. He never wrote back. I didn't like keeping my feelings bottled up, so I just told him. I'm pretty sure he had already guessed how I felt about him from before. I'm usually very unwillingly very obvious about these things, that's why I'm pretty sure he wasn't surprised and felt indifferent. It's not like it said anything he didn't already know.
I'm pretty sure that he thinks I would be immature about relationships and such because I'm so much younger. I have an older sister who's the same age, and she treats me like I don't know anything. Which is aggravating. No one should jump to conclusions like that.
He had also just gotten out of a relationship around the same time I did. He was used as rebound which, yes, is a huge thing. But I told him I'd wait as long as I'd have to. I'd still be willing to wait now if I knew he was considering it.
I don't want it to ruin anything between me and 'Sean'. It wouldn't do anything between the two guys. 'King' probably wouldn't give a shit.
I'll be very blunt. I hope you realize what you are telling me here... What you did is very seriously, although I completely understand how you felt and your situation, but sending a letter expecting to change things was a very bad choice. Doing it in person would have had its better results. Letters are very impersonal and not spontaneous.
That is besides the point he had just ended a relationship, where he was victimized as the rebound. How did you think he'd react. Being a rebound is the worst feeling in the world, you feel cheated, disgusted and dirty. It's being used X 100. It's hard to trust anyone after this. Imagine someone telling you "I Love you" and showing affection for the during of the relation to discover at the end it was all a lie.
Telling him you'd wait for him as long as it took, didn't help either, I'm sure of it. You can't be too agressive when you tackle on someone, it will scare them, like I said before or maybe you just made things really awkward. Only he knows how he felt about all this.
Also, you should forget about 'Sean' and move on. How do you think he feels? He knows the whole situation behind it, knowing both sides from his friend the 'King' and you. Don't you think he'll feel like second best? Also, "I'd still be willing to wait now if I knew he was considering it." is very mean to 'Sean'. I hope he doesn't read this...
I didn't write the letter expecting to change things. I wrote it to end things. I told him that it would be too awkward for us to talk after this. And that I didn't expect a reply. I was in such a bad state of mind at the time. Crying almost every night, I just had to let it all out, even if it meant never talking to him ever again.
I wanted to tell him in person, I would've preferred it. But after our last meeting, he became more awkward about things and I had a hard time asking to hang out when before it was actually pretty easy. I didn't want to hurt any longer. So i just wrote it in a letter and we haven't spoken since.
I agree that it may suck for 'Sean' but I guess I'm still in the process of figuring out that there just might be better men out there than 'King'. I will admit , I'm still not over him. But it's not like I'm saying I'm ready for a relationship ASAP. I still need time to recover, and there's nothing wrong with having another interest during recovery. If anything, it should help.
Well, I guess it's okay, just as long as you admit you acted selfishly on impulse. You obviously wanted to feel better with the situation no matter what. That "no matter what" probably threw him off and pushed him away.
If he was in fact "awkward" right after the "act", it's probably because he felt a sentiment of regret over what happened. He probably did not want to make things worst by more flirtatious actions with you.
The more I read about this 'King', the less I think he deserves the crown. He did not do anything wrong, except obviously not liking you (maybe). I donno if he went out to his buddies bragging about all this. I know he didn't ask you to be "friends with benefits" at least. Most of all he didn't force you into anything (from what I can gather). It could've been, much, MUCH worst.
Actually, it's quite the opposite. Having a love interest while not being over is the worst thing. You will constantly compare him and his attributes with the love interest. If you DO find someone "better", then it would be easier. The fact that they are friends and that he knows the whole situation, should give you a clear clue that its not suppose to happen.
Also, the letter, what you write on the blog, shows your obvious lack of self-confidence and your obsession with comparing yourself to others. You should know through guys eyes as well as gals, self-confidence is a huge attribute that makes you prettier. You don't think that may have played a role in the whole situation in general?
Trust me, I used to be much worse. I don't think I'm ugly, and I try my best not too compare. It just happens to the best of us, does it not? One day, you're just sitting alone and being pensive and then all these thoughts hit you. You can't really stop it. I write on my blog because I feel it is the best way to express how I feel (I mentioned before, that I don't like keeping things bottled up).
You're right, he doesn't deserve to be called King Asshole. But the story goes deeper than what I've told you. I would have to truly sit down and write out the whole entire situation with detail to know exactly how I feel about what happened. Why I feel repulsed. And why I was a victim in some parts.
I know how self confidence is considered very attractive. But I've been put through a past that has destroyed all confidence I had as a child/young teenager, and I surprise myself when I can say that I actually love the person I am. I truly do.
If you are interested, I would not mind writing up the whole story about what happened. I just rather not do it here. And then from there you can give your true point of view of the situation.
Sure, hit me up: kenny_911_99@yahoo.com
...or not
I don't have yahoo. :/
Send me an email then
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