Update, or something like it.

Yeah, It's been a while since I've written on here. I actually haven't found the time or the feeling to do so.

Conveniently enough, I was eager to get out of my morning class today to come to the computer lab and spill my guts. So basically, I'm writing from school.

I'm starting to come to a realisation of how sad my blogs really are. Is there really no excitement going on in my life that I can be somewhat happy to write about. 90% of my posts are depressing as shit. I can't believe anyone would read this shit on their free time. But I guess since you're here, might as well right?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 weeks almost. Here's your recap:

Thursday, February 27th was a pretty cool day. I had my first non-small talk conversation with him :/. I had a stupid smile on my face for the rest of the day. Nonetheless, I was happy.

Monday, March 2nd was when I came to the realisation that there's no way I have a chance at this. Thanks to a friend who tends to say whatever is on his mind despite the offense. I was ready to give up. I told myself that if nothing exciting happens in the next week, I'm surely going to give up. Because for the second time in a row, I'm going for a guy that's completely out of my reach, a guy that I can't seem to get through to, a guy that cannot be helped (as my best friend would put it). Surprisingly enough, I was spoken to that night by him, and the butterflies in my stomach came back.

Thursday March 5th, When my eyes met his figure in the crowd, the butterflies and jelly legs came back by the double. And on my way home, I had time to think, thinking about whether I should just tell him and see what the verdict is, you know? I hate knowing that I'm wasting my time and putting so much effort into something that will never be. It's not like I don't like him enough to not quit, it's just that I have to think for myself too. Ever day that goes by that I have no idea what's going through that boy's head, I'm hurting. It sucks.

I will not think of myself as selfish.

To continue Thursday, March 5th's day, I had a nice chit chat with a friend, and I truly have to give up. There's no point. There's no way he'll like me back. It's just pointless, and I'm fine with that. Except for the fact that I still double clicked his name on my contact list that night when I was supposed to be taking a shower, and started a conversation. Why did I do that? I knew that I had to give up, pretend he doesn't exist, and try to get over him like that. Yet, I still went on and talked to him last night in the same way I would have If I still had my hopeless little crush on him (which obviously enough now, I still do).

I don't know how to handle all this. I'm so overwhelmed. I know I have to get over him, but I don't know the first step. And if anyone tries to help, I dismiss any advice that I'm just not comfortable with. I hate this feeling.


Mood: Hopeless Hopeful :/