Dreams

I just finished watching the Academy Awards, and I could not feel more inspired than I do right now to one day end up there accepting an award for Best Director.

I believe it can happen :3.

Driven By Insanity

I feel really down today.

Last night's party was fun and all but I realized 2 negative things:

1- My friends are way more attractive than I'll ever be,

2- I'm lonely. Genuinely lonely.

I felt so unattractive last night, and though people might say otherwise, compared to my friends, I'm at the complete bottom. I mean, I'm not trying to be some depressed teenager with no self esteem, but I'm just stating the truth: My friends are more attractive than me. And, well, yeah, it kills my confidence. The confidence that I've been trying to build and still in the process of building for YEARS now.

I miss cuddling. I really do. Cuddling to me, is way more intimate than anything sexual. And I miss it. I haven't cuddled in so long. When I cuddle, I feel a sense of security, a sense of being wanted, and a sense of admiration.

I hate being lonely. I hate being surrounded by so many couples, that UNINTENTIONALLY rub it in my face of how in love they are. It's not their fault, it's just the way I take it.

I'm afraid of getting back into a relationship. I'm scared of commitment. I'd love to be able to commit, but it's just so hard. Then again, I'm getting older and I do believe I have experienced as much as I can (then again, I might never know) , so maybe it's time for Kat to settle down maybe? Just maybe...

>_<


What a depressing post. I apologize.



Mood: Lonely and Nostalgic

Haven't you noticed?

Haven't you noticed how easy it is to approach someone when you have no feelings for them, but as soon as they set in, just talking to them is the hardest thing you could possibly do.


I miss how easy it was to approach him...

There's always the 'but'...

Obviously, good news never lasts right?

Shit hit the fan due to my curiosity, now my mind is all over the place.

I wish I could say exactly what's on my mind, details included really, but I can't since I'm not ready to announce to the world how I feel. (Defeats the purpose of a blog, but anyways)

People say 'Just tell him.'
It's not that easy. No one really acknowledges the circumstances. They just say it. But you can't, it doesen't work that way. I wish it did, and that all would be good afterward.

I may be making a big deal out of a small thing, and all my friends are annoyed, but talking about this indirectly through here is not enough.
I need to talk to someone who will listen, understand and respond.

I know you don't want to see me hurt, bestfriend. I'm trying not to let all this get to me, but the more I wait it out, the more I feel for him.

People think I'm in love. I am not in love.
I've been in love once, and it was disgusting. Whoever thinks love is a beautiful thing, you've got it all wrong.

This is not necessarily disgusting, just uncomfortable. Basically a crush gone serious.
I need more than a little luck every so often to keep me happy. I thought this would last me a good two weeks, but the effects are already almost gone, and I'm back to the infamous zombie mode. Yay.


Mood: Uncomfortable and Uneasy.

:]

best and probably luckiest day of my life....so far.

<3



Mood : Fucking Happy.

Time

I wasted my time today. I waited 'til 5 PM for nothing. I wish it would have gone as expected :(. It would've made me really happy :(.

I really like him.
Not as much as the previous. But enough to care about him this much.

I'm not getting much support either. I know it's all about being independent and making my own decisions. But a little support wouldn't hurt either.

Is all this worth it? Will it even get me anywhere. I'm practically spending my days dragging my guts behind me because I can't keep myself together.

I can't make decisions for myself anymore. There's just too many possibilities and it seems like no one knows the right one.


Mood: Confused, Hopeless.

So much to say, so little time.

I swear I've been going through my highs and lows for the past week and half.
At the moment, I have no idea what level of emotion I've gotten to.

College is harder than I thought. I thought it would be easy considering i have at least 3-7 days to complete assignments, but time fucking flies. Kids, don't take college lightly, especially if you're dedicated to getting to the top. Seriously. I'm not sure whether to just stay at Vanier, or apply once again to Dawson. I really like being able to see my friends on a daily basis, despite college being about any of that at all. To be quite frank, I don't even know if I could afford going to Dawson. I'm in such a financial crisis, not knowing whether I'm fired from my job or not. Barely any money coming in and I have a shit load of things to pay for. This sucks.

As for my personal life. Well, like I've said countless times before, I'm wanted by all the wrong people. Right and left people are going gaga over me (for reasons unknown) but that one person that I truly like and admire, is barely aware of my existence. This feels like high school, I thought I was done with that, guess not.
The even shittier thing is that it feels like I have no one to talk to. I mean, yeah, sure, I can talk to anybody about this certain thing, but no one really has anything to say about it. I respect you listening and all, but some feedback would help. All i get is a bunch of nods and 'are you serious?'. It's not hard to give some feedback once and a while. I'm not asking for a therapy session, just some proof that I'm not talking to the walls. It just makes my problems feel so unimportant. But they are important to me, and for the mean time at least. It's just like, right now, I have a problem, and it will be a problem until I fix it , or get over it, until then, no matter how silly it is, it is most definitely a problem.

I'm also tired of being desired by so many guys thinking with their dicks. I know I'm nothing special, at all. I don't do anything to portray myself as this. I'm just open-minded and people mistake that with being outgoing. I am NOT outgoing. I'm just sick and tired of hearing guys telling me what they want to do to me. It's disgusting. If I mutually desired you, I would've had my way with you already -_-. I'm a person, with feelings and a personality. And though I might not get offended easily, it hurts to see guys react to me in this way. I have way more to offer than my body. I have a sense of humor, I have interesting views, I'm smart, I'm easy to talk to. Why don't people see this in me? Why can't they look past my outside. And the worst part is my inside is prettier than my outside.


Btw, shoutout to King Asshole, because apparently he knows who he is. Glad you noticed.


Mood: A whole bunch of stuff.