FML

Last night, 9 months of my life went to shit.

I've never felt so hurt, empty, and insulted.

If you wanted me to hate you, you did a good job. I tip my hat to you, sir.


That's all for now.

Hai Guiz :3

I haven't written in a while, and a lot of people ask me why? Well, nothing significantly important has been going on in my life at the moment, and I rather not bore you with repetitive details.

If you're wondering about my state, well, I could be better. I'm still confused about the same person. Everyone's telling me to give up. I really don't want to without really trying. And I don't think I've truly tried my best.

I'm well aware of the consequences.

On a different note, school is taking over me.

I'm being put down for my idea for my Video 1 project, and it's really discouraging =/....

I'm still going to try.


It's funny how i have such a quitting attitude for some things and such a clingy attitude for others. I'm so weird.



Current Mood: Streeeeesssed.

Feelin' Dumb

I feel like this is all I write about nowadays. It feels like I don't have any real problems. I'm not necessarily struggling in school, I may be having some financial issues, but the only thing that really seems to bother me is my emotions.

Why can't I just fucking let it go? Why must I depend on other people to be truly happy. People think I'm doing this to myself, but it's not like I'm enjoying it. Do you think I enjoy only being able to talk about one thing with my friends? Do you think that right beside getting an education, my only other motivation to come to school, is seeing that one person? Does anyone honestly think I'd be doing this to myself.

No one really seems to understand what's really going on in my mind. It's quite unfortunate. I know a lot of people that would help, they just don't know how. And to be quite honest, I don't know how they can help either.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I can actually remember a time in my life, a long period of time, where I was happy, with no worries, no doubts.

I feel like the person I am is just dying a way. Not in the immature emotional type of way, but in a sense that I really think that as a person, I'm dull. I'm not interesting and vibrant like I used to be. What happened?

Seriously, what happened? Did college happen? Did stress happen? Did laziness happen?

The worst part is, I can't even answer these questions, despite them all being about me...



Mood: Not-wanting-to-be-in-school-rather-be-home-sleeping. (Then again, the water tank broke down this morning and I don't think I'd be quite comfortable in a household with no water. I guess I'm sticking around here 'til 6pm...Yay.)

Friends

What if you ruined the trust of one friend, in order to aid the trust of another?


What if people think what you do is terrible, but you are completely oblivious to this? You don't don't realize you're doing anything wrong? You're completely neutral about it because no one tells you what you do is either bad, annoying or mean. What happens then? Does it become your fault even though you were unaware? Do people have the right to blame you after this?




Mood: I-feel-like-crawling-into-a-hole-and-dying-a-slow-death kind of feeling.....

Update, or something like it.

Yeah, It's been a while since I've written on here. I actually haven't found the time or the feeling to do so.

Conveniently enough, I was eager to get out of my morning class today to come to the computer lab and spill my guts. So basically, I'm writing from school.

I'm starting to come to a realisation of how sad my blogs really are. Is there really no excitement going on in my life that I can be somewhat happy to write about. 90% of my posts are depressing as shit. I can't believe anyone would read this shit on their free time. But I guess since you're here, might as well right?

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the past 3 weeks almost. Here's your recap:

Thursday, February 27th was a pretty cool day. I had my first non-small talk conversation with him :/. I had a stupid smile on my face for the rest of the day. Nonetheless, I was happy.

Monday, March 2nd was when I came to the realisation that there's no way I have a chance at this. Thanks to a friend who tends to say whatever is on his mind despite the offense. I was ready to give up. I told myself that if nothing exciting happens in the next week, I'm surely going to give up. Because for the second time in a row, I'm going for a guy that's completely out of my reach, a guy that I can't seem to get through to, a guy that cannot be helped (as my best friend would put it). Surprisingly enough, I was spoken to that night by him, and the butterflies in my stomach came back.

Thursday March 5th, When my eyes met his figure in the crowd, the butterflies and jelly legs came back by the double. And on my way home, I had time to think, thinking about whether I should just tell him and see what the verdict is, you know? I hate knowing that I'm wasting my time and putting so much effort into something that will never be. It's not like I don't like him enough to not quit, it's just that I have to think for myself too. Ever day that goes by that I have no idea what's going through that boy's head, I'm hurting. It sucks.

I will not think of myself as selfish.

To continue Thursday, March 5th's day, I had a nice chit chat with a friend, and I truly have to give up. There's no point. There's no way he'll like me back. It's just pointless, and I'm fine with that. Except for the fact that I still double clicked his name on my contact list that night when I was supposed to be taking a shower, and started a conversation. Why did I do that? I knew that I had to give up, pretend he doesn't exist, and try to get over him like that. Yet, I still went on and talked to him last night in the same way I would have If I still had my hopeless little crush on him (which obviously enough now, I still do).

I don't know how to handle all this. I'm so overwhelmed. I know I have to get over him, but I don't know the first step. And if anyone tries to help, I dismiss any advice that I'm just not comfortable with. I hate this feeling.


Mood: Hopeless Hopeful :/

Dreams

I just finished watching the Academy Awards, and I could not feel more inspired than I do right now to one day end up there accepting an award for Best Director.

I believe it can happen :3.

Driven By Insanity

I feel really down today.

Last night's party was fun and all but I realized 2 negative things:

1- My friends are way more attractive than I'll ever be,

2- I'm lonely. Genuinely lonely.

I felt so unattractive last night, and though people might say otherwise, compared to my friends, I'm at the complete bottom. I mean, I'm not trying to be some depressed teenager with no self esteem, but I'm just stating the truth: My friends are more attractive than me. And, well, yeah, it kills my confidence. The confidence that I've been trying to build and still in the process of building for YEARS now.

I miss cuddling. I really do. Cuddling to me, is way more intimate than anything sexual. And I miss it. I haven't cuddled in so long. When I cuddle, I feel a sense of security, a sense of being wanted, and a sense of admiration.

I hate being lonely. I hate being surrounded by so many couples, that UNINTENTIONALLY rub it in my face of how in love they are. It's not their fault, it's just the way I take it.

I'm afraid of getting back into a relationship. I'm scared of commitment. I'd love to be able to commit, but it's just so hard. Then again, I'm getting older and I do believe I have experienced as much as I can (then again, I might never know) , so maybe it's time for Kat to settle down maybe? Just maybe...

>_<


What a depressing post. I apologize.



Mood: Lonely and Nostalgic